The Nuts

NEW BLOG

2005-05-15T23:30:00.000-07:00

Hey, so it's been a while.

To update those who go to this blog, I am abandoning it. To read new blog entries go to my new blog site called Put up or shut up. Sorry for any inconvience.

-Brother Punk-

Points to ponder

2005-02-27T14:44:00.000-08:00

I apologize it's been a while since my last post but I'm back.

I received this e-mail of questions to ponder. They are kinda funny so I thought I'd post a few of them:

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's ass."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on...........

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

OK, that's enough, I'll stop the suffering.

-Brother Punk-

Listen carefully

2005-02-17T21:17:00.000-08:00

Can you hear it? No, not those bodily noises you're making and no it's not the gun shots going off next door. It's the sound of the fat lady singing the NHL Blues.

If you're like me and a huge hockey fan, the NHL season cancellation is absolutely killing you. I have compiled a list of other things I have been watching on the ol' Idiot Box in place of the hockey.

WARNING: If you have a weak stomach turn away now. This is going to get ugly. By the way, these are real stories. I have really watched these programs. It's sad, really sad.

Curling-Alright, so it isn't that ugly. Actually, I enjoy curling considering I've played the sport for nearly nine years and a member of the SAIT Trojans curling team. Nevertheless, some people find the sport boring and can't bare to watch it. As Jon Stewart, for The Daily Show, said last night "Don't cancel curling."

Golf-(See 6-hour car accident)

NHL on TSN: Classic Edition-Hell, I have every right it watch a game in which I already know the outcome. I have every right to cheer for the underdog, even if I know they lost the game 10-0.

Boxing-Hey, if I can't watch Tie Domi drop the gloves, then let me see Arturo "Thunder" Gatti put the gloves on and punch the crap out of an opponent.

Reality Shows-Watching Bettman and Goodenow argue not enough for you? I've lowered my standards to The Apprentice, The Amazing Race and Survivor. I can only wait for the next season of Big Brother and I can officially call myself lame.

Polo-OK OK, you called my bluff. I fell asleep half way through the match, but still, I watched it. Watching a bunch of rich snobing riding horses and hitting a ball around. The good news is that the sport is at least similar to hockey...kinda...sorta...who am I kidding, its still not hockey.

CPAC-Who needs Pat Quinn yelling at Kerry Frasier over a missed call, when you can what Stephen Harper yell at Paul Martin over same-sex mariage. WOW, I'm pathetic, I need hockey back. Watching two politicians, who aren't even on the same page, screeming at each is a complete joke. You see what this lockout has done to me!

My message here is this cancelled season is going to kill me. If anyone knows of a good psychiatrist please let me know...I'm too young to die.

-Brother Punk-

Ode to the driving range guy

2005-02-15T15:05:00.000-08:00

I know I always say that Bullriders have a lot of bulls. But because they are cowboys, and I hate cowboys, I can't respect them.

Now someone I can respect is the driving range guy. You know him, he's the one in the middle of the field with football equipment retrieving golf balls while trying to dodge balls at the same time.

As a golfer, I'm usually out on the driving range to blow off some stream and I know I'm not the only one. What better way to get out your frustration by slamming around a golf ball (who says balls can't feel pain). We all learned from Leslie Nielson's Stupid Little Golf Video that a the core of a golf ball is made up of deep loathing towards a golfer.

Would you want to get in the way of about five or six angry golfers hitting balls? Apparently golf course guys do. It's a dangerous situation, those golf balls really hurt when they hit you.

Let's look at fashion for a minute. It takes guts to tape two mattresses and stick a Green Bay Packers helmet on his head. I won't do it, but I guess people will do anything for money.

I'm telling you these guys have skills. Multi-tasking by picking up golf balls and dodging at the same time. Man, I don't think anyone in their right mind could do that.

I would like to know how much these guys are making. If they are making close to minimum wage, I think they should make a union. They are putting their asses on the line everytime they step on to that field to face those angry golfers.

Thse people are genius and I felt they should be recognized. Have fun and stay tuned, more entries will be coming within the next few days.

-Brother Punk-

2005-02-15T14:07:00.000-08:00

I think this one is self explanatory

Reality TV

2005-02-09T17:05:00.000-08:00

The other day I was watching The Amazing Race on the ol' idiot box (OK, there was nothing else's on alright). I've come to realize that it has got to be the dumbest show there is.

Throughout the race, the couples are always fighting and pissing each other off and then once they are eliminated they kiss and make up. There is kinda what I mean.

Jill: Why is the taxi driver driving so slow. Tom make him drive faster.
Tom: And how am I supposed to do that.
Jill: God, you're useless.
Tom: Fine, (turns to driver) hey buddy hurry it up.
Jill: What the f*** are you doing? That isn't going to work. Great, now we're in last place, I hope you are happy.
Tom: Yeah, that's it, this is all my fault. If it weren't for me, you would be completely lost.
Jill: F*** off, ok.

(Half hour later they make it to the Pit Stop)

Host: Tom, Jill, you are the last team to arrive and are eliminated for the race.
Tom: Well, we gave it our best and the important part is that we did it together. I'm really proud of her.

(Insert pathetic love scene here)

You can see what I mean now. These couples completely bicker the whole time and then fall back in love at the drop of a dime. It makes no sense.

This really pissed me off a couple, who had been getting on each others nerves the whole freakin' time was eliminated. THE GUY PROPOSED TO HER! Hey buddy, this is the girl that called you an asshole the entire time. Are you sure you want her calling you an asshole the rest of your life? Give it a ponder.

Now, I know most of you will say "well, reality shows are stupid anyway." My point here is that at least most reality shows make sense. The Amazing Race makes no senses whatsoever. You can't hate someone one minute and love them the next. Life doesn't work that way.

Well, those are my thoughts and speaking of things that don't make sense, I'm off to watch the latest news on the NHL CBA. Later

-Brother Punk-

Super Bowl Halftime

2005-02-07T18:10:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody, I was watching the Super Bowl the other day with a friend of mine and something didn't seem right.

I was watching the halftime show featuring Paul McCartney and I felt something was missing from previous years...oh yeah, that's right, it was missing Janet Jackson's boob.

That's right, we all saw the "wardrobe malfunction" over and over again last year (but you can't blame her, look at her family *cough*Michael*cough*). It just seems now that a halftime show isn't a halftime show without it.

It's the Grey Cup/Super Bowl without the party, Sonny without Cher, Simon without Garfunkel, Bread without Butter, Super Bowl Halftime without Jackson's tit. It just isn't the same.

Then again, do we really want to see McCartney whip something out...I think not. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy some of McCartney's music, but he doesn't have the sex appeal for the male audience.

Hell, couldn't T.O. get on top of another one of those Desparate Housewives actresses again, that would the be just as good as Jackson's boob. Wait, sorry, that's right he had an injured leg and just about missed the game. Maybe we can get Ron Artest to beat someone up. Heck, it's not like he's doing anything these days.

You see what the NFL has done. They went all out last year and everyone makes a big deal. Now they can't top that.

Alright, alright, I'll admit, I missed the malfuction last year. But, seriously, I have better things to do than listen to Timberlake and Jackson sing.

Other than that it was a good game, props to T.O. for the eagle wing flap but it's too bad Philly lost the game. Well, just gotta look forward to the CFL season.

GO RIDERS GO!!

Take'er easy people

-Brother Punk-

p.s. It was brought to my attention that a few entries got posted on this blog that I have no idea how they got there. I apologize for those who tried to buy women's underwear through my blog, but I don't know how it got there (gee, I write a blog about a boob and now I'm apologizing for selling underwear...go figure).

Super Mario on crack (cont.)

2005-02-05T18:16:00.000-08:00

I did a lot of thinking about my statement about Super Mario being on crack and I thought I would go into the subject in a little bit more detail.

The guy eats mushrooms that make him grow bigger and has leaves that allow him to fly. You can't deny from that, that Mario is not on drugs. Sure, your mom always said to eat you're mushrooms when you were a kid. But they didn't make you grow 10 feet taller in a spilt second. Second, I don't know any kind of leaves that can make you fly of than drugs...I mean, c'mon.

Other evidence that proves Mario is a drug addict is that the guy rides around of a dinosaur, Yoshi. No person in their right mind rides around on an dinosaur that craps eggs every five seconds.

The fat guy fats through pipes, that doesn't make sense and I question that. Plus, the idea of warping to different worlds, only when you are high.

Finally, the guy sees stars that make him invincible. I don't think so.

I could go on, but I will leave it at that. Take'er easy.

-Brother Punk-

Video Games Vs. Reality

2005-02-04T15:03:00.000-08:00

Ok, so today I was playing a new video game of mine, and it got me to thinking. Wouldn't life be more interesting if it was a video.

First of all, it comes with instruction manuels or a tutorial. You can even buy those strategy guides that tell you where to go. Wouldn't these be handy in real if? Finally we don't need to find a purpose in life. We look in the strategy guide and make the right moves.

Multiple lives-Hell I could you that. Screw the idea of only living once, let me die a couple of times and after game over just push the reset button. It would save a lot of money of funerals, thats for sure.

In video games, the most mundane job will become glorious. A good example of this is our good friend Super Mario. The man is a plumber, there is nothing special with a plumber. Yet look at his woman, Princess Toadstool. You can't tell me a girl like her is into plumbers, seriously.

Police brutality would be a thing of the past. Look at any video game that involves the police. There is always at part of the game were the police try to destroy your game or beat the crap out of you. The last I checked, in reality, the 5-Oh can't do that.

Imagine a world for Mushrooms and Leaves. I think Super Mario was also on crack. The guy has 'Shrooms and weed. Plus, he has to have the munchies once in a while. No plumber is THAT fat. But still, who wouldn't want to live in a world full of drugs...and it's legal.

So that is how I figure video games are WAY better than reality. Later everyone.

-Brother Punk-

2005-02-03T12:13:00.000-08:00

That'll keep the mailman away

Valentine's Day and the fraud it is

2005-02-03T11:52:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody, it's been a while. I've been kinda busy, but I'm but with a new rant.

We all know that Valentine's Day is quickly approaching. How do we know this? Every commercial we see on TV has a Valentine's Day sale on it.

The day has lost all meaning now. It has gone completely commercial, and now an complete tool to sell your flowers, chocolate, furniture, or funeral home services (hey, accidents happen).

It is nothing but commercial now. The point of the day is to spend time with your loved one. So companies look at that and say "hell, how can we make money off of that."

Valentine's Day is no more important than St. Patty's Day. It's just another excuse for companies to sell you more crap to give to your significant other. That is why this day is a complete fraud and the stupidest holiday around right now.

I'm starting to think that this day was made up by all the card, candy and flower companies just to make a quick buck. This is a load of garbage, make this day worthwhile and not a complete sell out.

But let us disregard the fact that I have never had a girlfriend on Valentines Day (this has NOTHING to do with my love life), that is beside the point.

Anyhow, those are my thoughts once again. Good to see that people responded to the athletic question posed last time. Take'er easy.

-Brother Punk-

6-hour car accident

2005-01-27T20:53:00.000-08:00

Ok, so Lisa Vlooswyk, the four time Canadian Women's Long Driving champion, talked to our Newswriting class today. It reminded me of something I heard on the radio.

I believe it was Rob Kerr, for The Fan 960, who described watching a professional golfer having a bad round as watching a 6-hour car accident. You want to watch to see if it can get any worse.

I completely agree with what he says. It's quite entertaining watching Tiger Woods hit a ball 300 yards into the forest. At least it makes him look human. Which is another thing.

I enjoy watching them screw up because, well, I know I could do just as good. Hell, I can hit a ball 200 yards into the pond no problem. The only difference here is that he's getting paid millions in sponsorship money, while I'm left trying a salvage my ball out of the creek.

Actually this whole 6-hour car accident applies to just about any sport. For instance, in hockey (seeing as there is going to be no NHL I might as well use it as a reference), if a goaltender lets in two goals that were shot in from the red line, you have to watch. It's our obsession with seeing others fail.

I pose this question to those who read this blog. Why do we like to watch professionals fail in sports? Am I right? Does it make them look human for once? Or is it just a guilty pleasure (you know like cheers for the Riders)? Those are my thoughts, help me out here.

Well, thats it for now. May all your drives be straight and don't spend as much time on the beach as David Hasselhoff.

-Brother Punk-

p.s. I understand that you can't leave a publishers name without signing up to Blogger. Just poster comments as anonymous and then sign your alias at the bottom of the message. Sorry for any inconvience.

2005-01-25T22:05:00.000-08:00

...and that is how the newspaper is put together

Add some excitement

2005-01-24T09:02:00.000-08:00

I'm sure by now we are all tired of the same old sports being shown on TV time-after-time. There has to be a way to make these boring sports more exciting.

Never fear, Bro Punk to the rescue. I have compile just a few ideas on how to make the most boring sports exciting.

Many people find poker and golf to be an extremely boring event to watch on the Boob Tube. We'll why not make these events a full contact sport. Never again will a player just bitch and complain after a bad beat when he can just bitch slap his opponent. If you're playing player beats you by several strokes, go after him with your driver.

Hell, even curling should be a contact sport. Your opponent's Second puts the rock on the button, you take out his knees with your broom.

Also when it comes to golf, I think they should make it mandatory for each player to have an air horn and cell phone. What fun is golf when you can't distract your opponent with a loud, annoying noise maker. Nothing says "Nice Shot" like BBBBBLLLLAAAAAAAAHHHHHH.

I believe that sports with boundaries should be rid of these boundaries. Sports such as football, hockey, soccer and basketball should let their fans feel the action. The only problem with this idea is that a beer limit would have to be put on the fans. God knows, we don't want to piss off another agitated black man, right Ron Artest?

Finally, I think that we should get rid of player's agents and replace them with members of the Mafia. I can guarantee players they will get that 3-year $10.5 million contract. How you may ask? Let's just say, the owners will get an "offer they can't refuse."

I hope these ideas may one day enhance your viewing pleasure for sports you wouldn't normally watch. With the hockey lockout and all, we really need to find a way to watch these sports.

Peace out everyone

-Brother Punk-

p.s. On a serious note, we had a lot of laughs from this entry, but yesterday the world lost a very funny man. Johnny Carson died at the age of 79. Although I'm too young to know much about him. I have watched many repeats of the Tonight Show when he hosted it. I just wanted to say that Jay Leno isn't fit to stand on the same stage that Carson once stood.

In this day and age, we have turned into a society of immature humour. Carson could still make dirty jokes, but in a more sophisticated way. To me that is humour, not these poop and fart jokes that we make now.

I think I speak for many when I say, Johnny you're going to be missed. I think everyone is heaven should consider themselves lucky when they hear St. Peter say "HHHHEERRREEESSSS JOHNNY."

Dirty Words and Sports

2005-01-22T16:13:00.000-08:00

Ok, so my last enter was pretty serious so let's have some fun with this one. Is it just me, or do the inventors of all kind of sports have to be careful giving out names?

I'm not talking about those dumb jokes such as "a bi-athlete, he goes both ways." I mean real sports name that are just wrong on all levels. I have compiled a fairly short list of a feww dirty names in sports.

Snatch and the Clean and Jerk-I think Weight Lifting beats them all for the worst names. Who would name an event the "Clean and Jerk?" That isn't an olympic event, that sounds like some thing I do when I'm bored (hey, got nothing better to do). Snatch, I could use some, but it shouldn't be a weight lifting event.

Ball Players-Ok, this one is wrong on some many levels. Call them football players, baseball players or basketball players but not ball players(although I question the basketball player lol, just kidding b-ball players). Maybe baseball players tend to grab themselves but we don't need to hear about it.

"Hit it in the crotch"-FOR GOD SAKE NNNOOO!!!!! As much as I love curling (best sport on this planet as far as I'm concerned), I don't need to hear a skip yell this down the ice. Getting hit in the crotch is not a laughing matter, it really hurts.

Hole-in-one-Do I really need to explain this one?

Big Slick-No, it's not as bad as it sounds. Of those who don't know poker terminology, big slick is when you are holding an Ace and a King. It's not what you are thinking...get your head out of the gutter.

Nuts-I can leave this one to your imagination, but it isn't what you think. The nuts is when a player, in poker, has a hand that can't be beat (hence the name of this blog site). It's not...well, you get my dift.

Poker is actually really good material for dirty names. For instance, "flopping the nuts with big slick" is a player, holding ace-king, who can't be beat after the first three community cards. It's NOT giving Willie some fresh air.

If anyone can think of any other dirty names in sports, please leave a comment and let me know. I'm pretty sure I'm missing something.

Take'er easy everybody.

-Brother Punk-

Top 5 guitarists

2005-01-21T17:58:00.000-08:00

So here it is, my Top 5 guitarists of ALL-TIME. I know that some of you will disagree with my list, but this is my opinion so sit on it.

First of all, I want to make something clear. There is a theory around the blues world that a guitarist can go to the crossroads and sell his soul to the devil to play the guitar (hence, the legend of the crossroads and the song "Crossroads"). I do not declare this cheating, any advantage should be taken.

Alright, this topic has been bothering me for a while. I am an avid guitarist and appreciate the raw talent of a really good guitarist. My personal opinion is that the best guitarists around are blues guitarist. The way those guys play, its just unbelievable.

So here we go:

5. B. B. King-A lot of you will disagree with me saying he is either better than 5th place and some will say he isn't that great of a guitarist. I have seen the guy play live and he was unbelievable. However, on televised events (late night talk shows, etc.), he doesn't put in the same effort which lowers his standing.

He does win marks for one very big factor, Lucille. The world's most famous guitar and it's B.B.'s. It's a beautiful black Gibson Les Paul, how can you deny that guitar. If anything, Lucille should take 5th place.

4. Eric Clapton-Yes, Slowhand himself made the list. This guy can do it all: Rock, blues, whatever. He can do it.

Clapton is known for the warm sound that he can get out of his guitar. So warm, it's been compared to a women's voice.

Also giving him points is his great song writing. Being able to write a song about his son's death, like he did with Tears in Heaven, is awesome. I still don't understand how he can play that song in front of thousands of people. I understand that Clapton was very close to his boy.

And now, it's time for the final three...

3. Robert Johnson-Ok, so maybe you have never heard of Robert Johnson unless you are a hardcore blues fan. He was the one who brought the blues from the cotton fields of the southern US to northern US.

Thanks to him, the blues is extremely popular is places like Chicago and St. Louis. But that is completely beside the point, this guy was an amazing guitarist of his time.

Listening to his music, it sounds like 3 or 4 guitars are playing...but it isn't. It's one man with talent. This is where the legend of the crossroads comes into play. Johnson supposedly sold his soul to the devil at the crossroads to play the guitar. He was the one who originally wrote the song "Crossroads," which is now made famous by many other blues players.

Sadly, we lost Johnson at a young age (this will be a continuing theme so pay attention) when he was poisoned. That's right, if it's good enough for Ukranian politics, it's good enough for a guitar legend.

2. Jimi Hendrix-What can you say about Jimi Hendrix. He is a true legend. Know for his rockin' rendition of the Star Spangled Banner and, for course, the burning of the guitar. This is a guy who could make something from nothing.

Jimi was a left handed guitarist, which is rare, but it didn't hold him back. He was know for stringing his Fender Stratocaster up-side-down so that he could play with his left hand. His onstage presents was awesome as well. Playing the guitar behind his back and behind is head, it was a sight to see.

As all good guitarist, Jimi died at a young age as well from a drug overdose (surprise, surprise for a rock star).

Now, the moment you all have been waiting for. The best guitarist of all time (as far as I'm concerned)...

1. Stevie Ray Vaughan-Haha, those who know me will know that this is no surprise. SRV is a legend who will live forever. I will admit that many of his song were not original, but he improvised to make the songs better.

SRV could be the guitar behind his back and behind his head better than most people could right in front of them. When he gets in a groove, the look on his face will give you goosebumps. His guitar, known as Number One or Second Wife, was one to marvel. It was a scratched up old Fender with the stickers SRV on the pick guard.

Tragedy struck when after a show in Alpine Valley, he jumped a helicopter to get back to Chicago to see his Finacee (actually I heard many stories on whether it was his girlfriend, finacee or wife). Fifteen minutes after takeoff the helicopter crashed, killing everyone on board. It is rumoured that SRV is buried with Number One while others say his brother, Jimmy, has the guitar.

I know I left off some big names like Eddie Van Halen, Santana or Slash. But I have my reasons for leaving them off. I'm done ranting, that's my list hope you enjoy.

Peace
-Brother Punk-

Welcome one and all

2005-01-21T17:50:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone and welcome to my brand-spankin' new blog. Everyone kept harrassing me "you need to get a blog, you need to get a blog." WELL HERE IT IS DAMN IT!

Anyhow, these entries will just be my ramblings and opinions (by the way, I'm from Saskatchewan so you'll hear me bitch about it a lot). Feel free to leave comments if you like. I will try to keep it up to date as much as possible, but I'm a busy man.

You are probably asking yourself, "so what makes him qualified to be a writer." Well, let me tell you a bit about myself. I am a second year Journalism students at SAIT, worked at the Drumheller Valley Times and Strathmore Standard (and, yes, I did have to plug the names of the papers), and I'm currently working on a book.

Well, hope you enjoy.

-Brother Punk-